Not sure what I want to say tonight. I have a big day coming tomorrow and I know I will want to talk to my mom after. We found out that I am pregnant a couple weeks ago and we have the ultrasound to see if everything is ok, and how far along I am.
I'm worried about this pregnancy. trying to be positive. I really wish I could talk to her about it. I have a hard time talking about my feelings with people. I never feel like I can explain them right, so I tend to keep them to myself, at least my most meaningful feelings. The pain I feel and the things that worry me stay inside.
G was talking about grandma tonight. He told me she was the best grandma in the world. He told me that he sure does miss her. Out of the blue. He had been thinking about her. J talks about her from time to time too. It kills me each and every time. But it makes me happy too. I'm so glad they think of her. I'm so glad they had her for the short time they did. And I miss her so much. No less today than when she left us 3 months ago. The pain isn't constant like it was, but still just as sharp and deep when it does come.
I guess I just had to get some of this out tonight. When G talked to me about her tonight, it just really got me thinking about everything again. I know she knows about the baby, I know how much she must love it, and I know she has probably already met him/her. But I want to TALK to her about it. Sigh. I want her to tell me to get myself together. I want her to tell me to take care of myself for the baby's sake. I want her to ask me what was I thinking lol. I want her to tell me the things I probably wouldn't listen to, but that made me know how much she loved me. I miss that.