Well, officially, 9 months late...I'd like to announce our newest addition to the family!  Abram Kent, known here on out as A.  He joined our family January 6, 2012.  He was my biggest one by far...9lbs 10oz, and 22inches long.  Such a sweet guy he is!  He is 9 months old now, and just full of personality.  He crawls and just wants to go, go, go!  Overnight, a few weeks ago, he went from my little cuddle lump to Mr. Independence, as soon as he figured that whole crawling thing out!  His brothers love him, His mom and dad love him, he is just our little gift. 

Not sure what I want to say tonight. I have a big day coming tomorrow and I know I will want to talk to my mom after. We found out that I am pregnant a couple weeks ago and we have the ultrasound to see if everything is ok, and how far along I am.
I'm worried about this pregnancy. trying to be positive. I really wish I could talk to her about it. I have a hard time talking about my feelings with people. I never feel like I can explain them right, so I tend to keep them to myself, at least my most meaningful feelings. The pain I feel and the things that worry me stay inside.
G was talking about grandma tonight. He told me she was the best grandma in the world. He told me that he sure does miss her. Out of the blue. He had been thinking about her. J talks about her from time to time too. It kills me each and every time. But it makes me happy too. I'm so glad they think of her. I'm so glad they had her for the short time they did. And I miss her so much. No less today than when she left us 3 months ago. The pain isn't constant like it was, but still just as sharp and deep when it does come.
I guess I just had to get some of this out tonight. When G talked to me about her tonight, it just really got me thinking about everything again. I know she knows about the baby, I know how much she must love it, and I know she has probably already met him/her. But I want to TALK to her about it. Sigh. I want her to tell me to get myself together. I want her to tell me to take care of myself for the baby's sake. I want her to ask me what was I thinking lol. I want her to tell me the things I probably wouldn't listen to, but that made me know how much she loved me. I miss that.

Mom

One month ago tomorrow I lost my mom. She was a special woman. Everyone loved her. I loved her. My children loved her. No, that's wrong, we love her, present tense.
One of the most heartbreaking moments of the whole agonizing experience, was sitting at the funeral service, and seeing my 7 year old son break down. I just wanted to wrap him up and hold him and tell him it would be ok. But, I know he knew it would be ok, that he was feeling the pain of separation just like me.
I have a gift, a knowledge that not everyone has. A knowledge of the hereafter. I know that I will see her again, and I know that she is happy and that she has reunited with my father.
This, however, is little comfort when the agony is fresh.
When my father passed away, it was devastating. He was(is) my hero. I was daddy's little girl. I knew I was his baby and I knew how much he loved me. I'm sure he believed in how much I loved him too.
This was different somehow. My mom wasn't the touchy feely kind. Well, she could be, but wasn't always. Mom told you how it is. Had no patience for ignorance. Knew how things should be and made them that way. Took care of herself. Didn't believe in excuses. Was beautiful. Demanded respect.
She was strong.
She knew who she was.
I am imperfect(to say the least) and sometimes had a hard time feeling that unconditional love from her that I did from my dad.
My mom loves me, this I know, without a doubt. I have never doubted that she loved me. But sometimes it was hard to feel it, if that makes sense. I also realize this was my fault, not hers.
So, I guess I say goodbye to her with regrets. Regrets that I was never as good as she hoped I would be. Regrets that I never truly knew her as some of her friends do. And regrets that I didn't know how to save her at the end, because knowing her, she would have figured out what to do if the roles had been reversed. Regrets that my boys will not have her anymore, because she loved them so much.
I miss her. I feel like we have been cheated. I guess I'm still trying to deal with this. I never did get to prove myself to her like I wanted to. I know I could have made her more proud. I love her, I miss her. Life will never be the same. I just want a little more time with her. It was just too soon.

easter eggs. we had a great easter weekend at our place. egg hunt at our complex on saturday, visit from the bunny sunday morning, conference and dinner(with another egg hunt) at my mom's. my kids have too much candy, but that's ok. i've managed to stay out of it so far...that's really what i'm worried about!
hubby and i had a nice talk with the kids about what easter really means. j seemed to really get it. g, well he's 4. j really thinks so much about everything, sometimes too much maybe. when we asked him what he thought easter was about, he told us that it's when Jesus died and came back to his body. i asked him if he knew that jesus didn't have to die. that he was so powerful he could have stopped the bad men. he said, yes, but he didn't want to hurt them. awwww. we told him that was true, but he did it to pay for our sins...because he wanted us to be able to return to live with him someday. he seemed to really take it in. really thought about it for awhile. asked a couple questions...relayed the story back to us. it was a proud momma moment!
and then...at grandma's, when she asked him if he knew what easter really was about...he says, " i don't know." so much for my mom's proud momma moment...would have been nice if she could have thought what a great job her daughter was doing in teaching her grandchildren. lol
oh well...the truth came out and he finally retold the story of easter to her. it really does warm my heart to hear my children relaying gospel truths. they believe with such honesty!

kindergarten

i can't believe this day has come. my sweet jbug is getting ready to start kindergarten in 4 days. he is SO excited. not one bit scared. we went to orientation a few days ago...and he loved everything about it.
i'm not a stay-at-home mom, so i don't have the, "thank goodness school is starting." feeling. i just know that he is reaching a milestone in his life. i know i'll be a mess, and i know he will do awesome. i know i will follow his bus to school that first day, and i know i will be waiting for him at the bus stop when he gets home.
i hope school is everything he expects it to be. he really is bright. just loves to learn. i pray that he will have all the opportunities to let him go as far as he wants. i know this is just kindergarten, but i hope he makes the best of it (i'm sure he will) and i hope it sets the tone for the rest of his schooling.
i just can't believe he will be going to school. real school. how did that happen? i was just at the dr. being told to go home and pack a bag because we would be meeting our little guy that night.
i'm so proud of him.

winter

it looks like winter outside! no sun, wet, cold. there is supposed to be snow on the way, i wish it would hurry up! there was a little snow on the ground saturday when we got up. not much, just enough to call it snow. i couldn't wait for my kids to wake up and see it. of course it wasn't enough to play in, but they were so excited! i remember that feeling from when i was young.
and...pomegranates and oranges! the joys of winter. we cracked open a pom last night. g wasn't thrilled, but j though it was great...he spent about an hour in front of the tv eating it one seed at a time. food in the living room is a big "no, no" but how could i take that little joy away from him(and me)? i am going to get some oranges today on the way home...there is nothing better than a december orange! or maybe i'll get some clementines.
i like winter, i like the cold, and i like all the little things that come with it!

my G

well, it's been awhile. i thought maybe i should give it a go again. my little guy, G, just had a birthday. he's 3 now! my baby isn't much of a baby anymore...well, except that he refuses to be potty trained. he yells, "NO! i want my diaper!" that is a whole rant in and of itself, but i prefer to gush over how much i love him at the moment.
i've said before what a trial he is, but he really is an amazing person! he is very creative, always playing little games he makes up, playing make believe. when i get home from work, he runs to me and tells me, "Mommy! i missed you!" and then as i rush past him to the bathroom(i have the bladder of a sparrow), he follows me saying, "love you mommy, love you mommy, love you mommy...mommy...mommy...(yes, g?) love you!"
i spend a lot of time on my feet at work, and have been walking/ riding public transportation since gas prices have exploded(my work gives us free metro passes!)...so, my feet and legs are usually tired and aching by the time i get home. he gives me kisses. kisses my knees, kisses my arms. "that feel better now mom?" then tells me, "sit back" so he can climb up on my lap and snuggle me for a moment...it lasts for about 5 minutes from the time i get home, and then he's off. but that 5 minutes is so special to me. just to know he is so happy to see me, that i was missed by him. he really is an incredible little person.
he got rsv when he was about 8 weeks old, and spent 3 very scary days in the hospital. ever since then, i have had him bonded in my heart in a way that only he could be. i just know that he is destined for great things...he's a big person in a very tiny body, he just fills a room. i imagine that he is a very old soul, and it is frustrating sometimes for him to be in this 3 year old's world. it is too much for him sometimes, and i know it is my job to try to help him.
i may not know how to be a perfect mom, but he makes me want to be the best mom i can be. so that he can turn in to the best man he can be, and fulfill the potential that he has.
i love my G. what would i do without him?