Not sure what I want to say tonight. I have a big day coming tomorrow and I know I will want to talk to my mom after. We found out that I am pregnant a couple weeks ago and we have the ultrasound to see if everything is ok, and how far along I am.
I'm worried about this pregnancy. trying to be positive. I really wish I could talk to her about it. I have a hard time talking about my feelings with people. I never feel like I can explain them right, so I tend to keep them to myself, at least my most meaningful feelings. The pain I feel and the things that worry me stay inside.
G was talking about grandma tonight. He told me she was the best grandma in the world. He told me that he sure does miss her. Out of the blue. He had been thinking about her. J talks about her from time to time too. It kills me each and every time. But it makes me happy too. I'm so glad they think of her. I'm so glad they had her for the short time they did. And I miss her so much. No less today than when she left us 3 months ago. The pain isn't constant like it was, but still just as sharp and deep when it does come.
I guess I just had to get some of this out tonight. When G talked to me about her tonight, it just really got me thinking about everything again. I know she knows about the baby, I know how much she must love it, and I know she has probably already met him/her. But I want to TALK to her about it. Sigh. I want her to tell me to get myself together. I want her to tell me to take care of myself for the baby's sake. I want her to ask me what was I thinking lol. I want her to tell me the things I probably wouldn't listen to, but that made me know how much she loved me. I miss that.

Mom

One month ago tomorrow I lost my mom. She was a special woman. Everyone loved her. I loved her. My children loved her. No, that's wrong, we love her, present tense.
One of the most heartbreaking moments of the whole agonizing experience, was sitting at the funeral service, and seeing my 7 year old son break down. I just wanted to wrap him up and hold him and tell him it would be ok. But, I know he knew it would be ok, that he was feeling the pain of separation just like me.
I have a gift, a knowledge that not everyone has. A knowledge of the hereafter. I know that I will see her again, and I know that she is happy and that she has reunited with my father.
This, however, is little comfort when the agony is fresh.
When my father passed away, it was devastating. He was(is) my hero. I was daddy's little girl. I knew I was his baby and I knew how much he loved me. I'm sure he believed in how much I loved him too.
This was different somehow. My mom wasn't the touchy feely kind. Well, she could be, but wasn't always. Mom told you how it is. Had no patience for ignorance. Knew how things should be and made them that way. Took care of herself. Didn't believe in excuses. Was beautiful. Demanded respect.
She was strong.
She knew who she was.
I am imperfect(to say the least) and sometimes had a hard time feeling that unconditional love from her that I did from my dad.
My mom loves me, this I know, without a doubt. I have never doubted that she loved me. But sometimes it was hard to feel it, if that makes sense. I also realize this was my fault, not hers.
So, I guess I say goodbye to her with regrets. Regrets that I was never as good as she hoped I would be. Regrets that I never truly knew her as some of her friends do. And regrets that I didn't know how to save her at the end, because knowing her, she would have figured out what to do if the roles had been reversed. Regrets that my boys will not have her anymore, because she loved them so much.
I miss her. I feel like we have been cheated. I guess I'm still trying to deal with this. I never did get to prove myself to her like I wanted to. I know I could have made her more proud. I love her, I miss her. Life will never be the same. I just want a little more time with her. It was just too soon.